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PUBLICATIONS & ARTICLES

Yes, parenting does matter and the matters of parenting can seem overwhelming. By reading through some of the articles in this section you will find answers to specific problems but more importantly, you might figure out an approach that can work in many circumstances. Keep in mind that growing to adulthood is a gradual process of their learning and our letting go and that some of the greatest learnings come from not doing it right the first time.
PURCHASE DR. GAFFNEY'S COACHING GUIDE AT BARRINGTONBOOKS.COM

 FOOD CAN CHALLENGE PARENTS AND KIDS

DID YOU KNOW?

THE END OF ADOLESCENCE IS DEFINED AS THE TIME WHEN SOMEONE IS FINANCIAL, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY INDEPENDENT.

COACH/KID TRIANGLES

RELATED TOPICS
PARENTS' SUCCESS KIT Assessments, journal, communicate, relax and know what to do - all in one place!
RELAXATION MEDITATION COMPANION A minute a day or twenty minutes a day - relaxation is attainable!
THE NEWSLETTER Release the Leader within.
PARENTING TIPS Simple ideas to help you enjoy your most important relationships.
COACHING TIPS Evaluate yourself and set your course for change!
FAMILY SOLUTIONS If you are concerned about raising a family today, check out the ideas in this section.
TWO-MINUTE MOMENTS Two minutes of relaxation.
DR. GAFFNEY'S PICKS Books on Personal Care & Development as well as Parenting that Dr. Carol Gaffney recommends.
 

PARENTING MATTERS:
FOOD CAN CHALLENGE PARENTS AND KIDS

Copyright Dr. Carol Renaud Gaffney

Q. I am seeking alternative disciplining solutions when my 4year-old son refuses to get dressed in the morning for school and when he refuses to eat his meals.

Spanking him is not something I want to do and time out is ineffective.
He suggests I ignore him, but that doesn't accomplish what I am asking him to do. Suggestions please!

—J.M.

A. This is a great question and a common situation that is often very easy to resolve. Most of us who have kids over the age of 2 have probably been in the situation of hearing "No, I won't" and then wondering what to do.

Most of the worry about this situation can be eased when you look at what to reasonably expect from a 4-year-old. To find that out (I don't try to remember), I checked my instruction manual on what to expect from kids at various ages. I have used the Gesell Institute series on Child Development since 1970.

I found the words "out of bounds" and "revolts and delights in the revolution" used to describe the otherwise wonderful 4-year-old.

As parents, once you know that talking back is typical for this age, you can immediately start breathing again and remind yourself that his "no" does not mean you have already ruined him for life.
Now -that you can think rather than react from fear and panic, you can plan what to do.

I want to immediately acknowledge this mom who has an appropriate expectation that her 4year-old can dress him- self.

Her son is responsible for getting dressed on his own, and mom and/or dad are responsible for providing him clean clothes to wear and the opportunity to complete an age-appropriate task.
One possible error in thinking for parents and child is that he needs to be dressed before he leaves the house.

Once the thinking is adjusted, many more options for problem solving come up.

Possible new thinking is "he just needs to get to school so I can get to work and I like getting to work unhassled and well-dressed and I would like him to learn about that from me."

When he says no to getting dressed, mom can say "That's OK, if you won't get dressed now, I'll just put your stuff in this bag and you can get dressed anytime you want. Let's go."

Having him take care of his responsibility is not about shaming and saying something like "Well if you won't get dressed when I want you. to, which is now, you can spend the day at school in your pajamas - see how you like that."

Be supportive as your kids learn to take care of themselves. Set them up for as much success as possible.

You can spring a new expectation on him one morning when he says no, but I prefer that you set it up by telling hum, when you are ready to follow through, that "starting tomorrow, I will be leaving on time and it is up to you to decide whether you want to be dressed in your school clothes or not."

He may say you can't leave if he's not dressed, but you know you can - and will.

You do not- have to convince him, just inform him and then be ready to follow through.

When you follow through, be ready for him to complain, but be quiet and then be firm in your own actions.

You can help him out by letting his teacher know he may be a bit disheveled for a few days as he learns about responsibility and time management.

The second situation is so important- because control battles over food cannot be won by the parent without potentially damaging the child’s self-esteem and the relationship.

Because children's eating can be a very emotional issue for parents, you may want to practice what you will say and do with a friend before you try changing what you do with your children.

Unless there is a medical problem, and check it out with your pediatrician if you have any doubt, when your child says "No, I won't eat that" or "I don't like it," you can say, "I'm sorry that you don’t want it' I hope you like lunch (or dinner/breakfast/snack) better," as you are removing the food, instead of "This is what is for dinner—eat it or starve," or "What can I fix instead?" or "You're not leaving this table until you eat every bite."

Again be reasonable and support the situation for success.

Check what you ate serving. Is this a familiar meal or something new?

Are - you serving lobster bisque and hot tamales or are you serving food that you know has child appeal?

Be aware that taste buds lose some sensitivity as we grow older so our children's taste is generally more sensitive than ours.

I had the father of a 10-yearold food and meal-complainer say he started acting rather than fussing.
When his son said "Yuck," dad said "Yum, more for me?' and then ate the food.

It didn't take long for the boy to realize that if he didn't want to feel hungry he needed to be a bit more broad-minded in what he was willing to eat.

Questions for Carol Gaffney can be sent to her through the email system at: Carol@ drgaffney.com and website http://www.drgaffney.com.

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TAKE AN ASSESSMENT

The more you know about your style, the easier it is to figure out what naturally stresses you and what to do to relax.

TAKE AN ASSESSMENT

TAKE A DEEP BREATH, RELAX
Stress and strain of daily living got you down? Breathe. Relax. Reclaim yourself and your energy – two minutes at a time.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH, RELAX
MORE TWO-MINUTE MOMENTS


MEDITATION & THE RELAXATION RESPONSE
Have you been wondering about meditation? Well, it’s easier than you think. You just have to get started. One breath, one focus, two moments.

MEDITATION & RELAXATION RESPONSE
MORE TWO-MINUTE MOMENTS
 PEOPLE SOLUTIONS

 THE NEWSLETTER
Dr. Gaffney's Newsletters provide insight and direction for successful communication and action to help you create your life – at work, at home and within your community.



PERSONAL
Creating your life requires self-knowledge, planning and taking action otherwise you'll be making the trip but it may be the magical mystery tour. Start here for personal understanding, the basis of success.

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PROFESSIONAL
Do you hire right the first time? Are you and the people you work with at peak performance? Do you have the skills and attitudes for extraordinary success? Start here to learn about excellence in your professional life.

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FAMILY
If you have children
and are concerned about their development and
well-being and having them become loving, independent,
productive and responsible, check out the materials
in this section.

LEARN MORE
 
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