PARENT AS COACH: What if you as a parent were the coach, not the soccer coach or marching band coach, but the life coach for your kids. How would your role change? What would you do differently? Could you have more fun?

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PARENT AS COACH

by Dr. Carol Renaud Gaffney, copyright 1997

Who is the Parent Coach?

Most of us have experience with the "parent as player". This parent is easily spotted arguing with the ump over the called 3rd strike or with the teacher complaining that his or her 8th grader has too much homework. Although many of the "parent as player" decisions are made out of sacrifice and love, the "kids on the bench" during these formative years are ill-prepared when they have a chance to get into the game at age 18.

The "parent as coach" is one who is able to identify the appropriate problems that kids own for their age and then support them in learning to solve them. The kids get to think and play and the parents get to cheer as they offer wisdom and support from the sidelines. These "kids on the field" have many opportunities to learn from their mistakes and to care for themselves before they graduate from high school.

The parent as coach can make the tough decisions when it counts. Limits and standards are in place. Responsibility and accountability come before increased independence.

What are the Road Blocks?

Parent as coach makes so much sense that you sometimes wonder why it isn’t the more natural way of interacting with kids. Often parents end up as players because they are relying on what they have learned in the past, from their own parenting mentors.

Also, parents have this thing called emotion when it comes to their kids. They have certain sensitive areas as well. Put these together and what do you get – a hot button that kids find out about by the time they are 2. We can figure out what our hot buttons are by applying the formula I or E except after ?. Once the hot buttons are identified we can cool them off and start responding rather than reacting.
Then there are the big 3 – guilt, fear and stress – that compromise a parent’ ability to do what he or she knows needs to be done. When this happens, the kids are in control.

What are some Strategies for Success?

Know Yourself is one of the important strategies. What do you as a parent bring to the parent/child relationship? Remember that modeling (do as I say, not as I do, really doesn’t work) is the number one factor in learning how to behave. AND you can only take your kids as far as you have been.

Know Your Kids is the second strategy. If you don’t know them – how they communicate, what they value, it will be difficult to open the door to communication with them. When we are aware of them as people, we can adapt our responses (not our values and beliefs) creating the environment for empathy, relationship and an experience of love.

The Coach/Kid Triangles – Know how to make the decisions about who owns the problem. Get a manual for expected behavior, then place the age of the child against the triangles. Once you know who owns what part of the problem, simple strategies keep the problem solving process moving.

If you have great relationships with your kids, the rest is easy. When kids know they are loved, they can feel safe and are free to love back. Every day there is a way to let your kids know how important they are. You can listen and you can spend time. When you listen, listen with your heart and don’t worry about trying to fix the problem – kids only think you are trying to fix them. Listen with your eyes, your ears and your body. Let them know you – mind, body and spirit. Let them know you are on their team 100% of the time.