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 FAMILY SOLUTIONS

Few of us live as hermits. Most of us have families, including children, and our personal satisfaction and sense of success can be intertwined with the success they experience. If you have children and are concerned about their development and well-being and having them become loving, independent, productive and responsible, check out the materials in this section.

PARENTING TIPS TAKE AN ASSESSMENT GRANDPARENTS' QUESTIONNAIRE
 FAMILY SOLUTIONS

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FIND OUT "HOW YOU DO WHAT YOU DO" WITH THE DISC STYLE ANALYSIS.

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A SOLUTION FOR YOUR FAMILY

by Dr. Carol Renaud Gaffney

For children to act appropriately, to be well behaved, they first must know the right behavior for the situation and then they must have the skills to carry out that behavior at the right time.

Learning right from wrong takes time. Being able to do what is supposed to be done takes more time, our patience and their development. But until all these are in place – knowing what is right, knowing the right way to act and then being able to act that way - we have children becoming adults who don’t have the skills to get along with the people they live and work with, don’t have the patience and self-management to select, learn and perform in a job and are hindered in their ability to become truly productive and successful within their communities, their families and at work.

Social/emotional development, also known as good behavior, is not accidental. A child’s emotional and social development takes time and love. And most of all, it takes the people who they love the most, their parents, to teach them.

Who is raising your children? Although you may be the ones who are providing housing and clothing and food, who is providing them with the values they learn, the voices inside their heads, which tell them what is right or wrong, good or bad, and create the drive and passion in their lives so they feel fulfilled? Who is helping them learn how to act appropriately and be "well-behaved", ready to learn and socialize?

In addition to getting our kids dressed well, fed well and housed well we have obligations to create people who are moral and have the ability to act with forethought and care. Who is looking after this? If it isn’t us, if there isn’t intentional adult thought and a plan in place for moral and emotional development, then it is being left up to clergy, educators, the media (TV, movies and books) as well as friends and families of friends. If the values that others have are sufficient for you then you’re off the hook. Just be sure that the people you leave your children’s minds in the care of have the same values as you or it’s guaranteed that you and your children will have little in common as time goes by.

Wow. Those are pretty strong statements aren’t they. And I’m sure there will be the gamut of agreement and disagreement with those statements and then the question of whether I’m suggesting that children grow to be clones of their parents’ values.

First, you’re right: those are strong statements. And I’m clear on each one of them. And to the second concern, no, I don’t expect children to become our clones.

I understand that because values and attitudes are learned, our children’s values can change from ours, but to begin with, they must have a value base from which to make choices. I remember clearly when my long ago teenage sons said, I don’t believe in that, or I don’t think the way you think. And my response to them was, it’s okay if you don’t think the way I think, but before you throw the family values out, please let me know what you are replacing them with. At least we were having the right discussion – one about beliefs and values and behaviors.

How are we to be the value based, social, emotional teachers for our children? Do we turn off the TV, forbid movies, burn books, and isolate our children from others? That would hardly work would it? We live in an ever expanding world with access to every manner of thought and image and what we want is independent children who can make good age appropriate decisions within the world they live.

We are obliged, based on our children’s age and developmental stage, to provide limits and protection and introduce ideas and concepts gradually. We expect responsibility and accountability. We help them learn frustration tolerance, concern for others, the ability to own up to mistakes and try again. We don’t make excuses for them. We don’t bail them out. We sit with them when they watch television, work on the computer, go to the movies and help them understand what they are experiencing. We know what their experiences are and discuss them with our wise adult viewpoint. We help them understand why we think the way we do.

We also play with them. We laugh we them. We help them learn that we’re fun to be with even when we’re telling them "no, not now". Does this sound like too much to do when there are jobs and family chores and soccer games calling to us? Well if we don’t do it, who will? There’s always someone out there who has something to gain from getting inside our children’s minds. Why not let the voice they learn from be ours.


TAKE AN ASSESSMENT

The more you know about your style, the easier it is to figure out what naturally stresses you and what to do to relax.

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TAKE A DEEP BREATH, RELAX
Stress and strain of daily living got you down? Breathe. Relax. Reclaim yourself and your energy – two minutes at a time.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH, RELAX
MORE TWO-MINUTE MOMENTS


MEDITATION & THE RELAXATION RESPONSE
Have you been wondering about meditation? Well, it’s easier than you think. You just have to get started. One breath, one focus, two moments.

MEDITATION & RELAXATION RESPONSE
MORE TWO-MINUTE MOMENTS
 PEOPLE SOLUTIONS

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Dr. Gaffney's Newsletters provide insight and direction for successful communication and action to help you create your life – at work, at home and within your community.



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Creating your life requires self-knowledge, planning and taking action otherwise you'll be making the trip but it may be the magical mystery tour. Start here for personal understanding, the basis of success.

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Do you hire right the first time? Are you and the people you work with at peak performance? Do you have the skills and attitudes for extraordinary success? Start here to learn about excellence in your professional life.

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FAMILY
If you have children
and are concerned about their development and
well-being and having them become loving, independent,
productive and responsible, check out the materials
in this section.

LEARN MORE
 
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