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A
SOLUTION FOR YOUR FAMILY
by Dr. Carol Renaud Gaffney
 For
children to act appropriately, to be well behaved,
they first must know the right behavior for the
situation and then they must have the skills to
carry out that behavior at the right time.
Learning right from wrong takes time. Being able
to do what is supposed to be done takes more time,
our patience and their development. But until
all these are in place – knowing what is
right, knowing the right way to act and then being
able to act that way - we have children becoming
adults who don’t have the skills to get
along with the people they live and work with,
don’t have the patience and self-management
to select, learn and perform in a job and are
hindered in their ability to become truly productive
and successful within their communities, their
families and at work.
Social/emotional development, also known as good
behavior, is not accidental. A child’s emotional
and social development takes time and love. And
most of all, it takes the people who they love
the most, their parents, to teach them.
Who is raising your children? Although you may
be the ones who are providing housing and clothing
and food, who is providing them with the values
they learn, the voices inside their heads, which
tell them what is right or wrong, good or bad,
and create the drive and passion in their lives
so they feel fulfilled? Who is helping them learn
how to act appropriately and be "well-behaved",
ready to learn and socialize?
In addition to getting our kids dressed well,
fed well and housed well we have obligations to
create people who are moral and have the ability
to act with forethought and care. Who is looking
after this? If it isn’t us, if there isn’t
intentional adult thought and a plan in place
for moral and emotional development, then it is
being left up to clergy, educators, the media
(TV, movies and books) as well as friends and
families of friends. If the values that others
have are sufficient for you then you’re
off the hook. Just be sure that the people you
leave your children’s minds in the care
of have the same values as you or it’s guaranteed
that you and your children will have little in
common as time goes by.
Wow. Those are pretty strong statements aren’t
they. And I’m sure there will be the gamut
of agreement and disagreement with those statements
and then the question of whether I’m suggesting
that children grow to be clones of their parents’
values.
First, you’re right: those are strong statements.
And I’m clear on each one of them. And to
the second concern, no, I don’t expect children
to become our clones.
I understand that because values and attitudes
are learned, our children’s values can change
from ours, but to begin with, they must have a
value base from which to make choices. I remember
clearly when my long ago teenage sons said, I
don’t believe in that, or I don’t
think the way you think. And my response to them
was, it’s okay if you don’t think
the way I think, but before you throw the family
values out, please let me know what you are replacing
them with. At least we were having the right discussion
– one about beliefs and values and behaviors.
How are we to be the value based, social, emotional
teachers for our children? Do we turn off the
TV, forbid movies, burn books, and isolate our
children from others? That would hardly work would
it? We live in an ever expanding world with access
to every manner of thought and image and what
we want is independent children who can make good
age appropriate decisions within the world they
live.
We are obliged, based on our children’s
age and developmental stage, to provide limits
and protection and introduce ideas and concepts
gradually. We expect responsibility and accountability.
We help them learn frustration tolerance, concern
for others, the ability to own up to mistakes
and try again. We don’t make excuses for
them. We don’t bail them out. We sit with
them when they watch television, work on the computer,
go to the movies and help them understand what
they are experiencing. We know what their experiences
are and discuss them with our wise adult viewpoint.
We help them understand why we think the way we
do.
We also play with them. We laugh we them. We help
them learn that we’re fun to be with even
when we’re telling them "no, not now".
Does this sound like too much to do when there
are jobs and family chores and soccer games calling
to us? Well if we don’t do it, who will?
There’s always someone out there who has
something to gain from getting inside our children’s
minds. Why not let the voice they learn from be
ours.
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FAMILY
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PEOPLE
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